Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Hollyweird or Bust

Just in time for Halloween, I came across a little 'ol interview with the hostess with the mostess herself, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. This comes from issue #202 of Famous Monsters of Filmland back in 1994 and was by Forrest J Ackerman and Ray Ferry.

4E: Your stature as a horror celebrity is pretty big - how do you keep it up?
ELVIRA: Well, with my industrial-strength bra, of course.
4E: What were you like as a child? Did you play corpse and robbers in the cemetery, or hide and go shriek?
ELVIRA: Yes, I did all those things, and also I was quite an entrepreneur - when other kids were setting up lemonade stands, I was setting up a little doctor and nursie stand. I, you know, played the nursie and I charged the little boys and made quite a bundle, so I was really entrepreneurial even at a young age.
4E: Gosh, I wish I'd been in your neighborhood! You know, you've scored as a singer, a dancer, an actress, a sorceress, and a TV host, what hidden talents do you have?
ELVIRA: Well, I don't keep much hidden, but what I do have hidden in my talents I guess are cooking and spinning tassels. If you saw my movie, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, you'd already know I have those talents.  Some kids practice the piano when they are little, but me, I practiced twirling tassels.
4E: Have you ever appeared in Spain - twirling tassels in Spain?
ELVIRA: In Spain? I don't think so.
4E: They are building tassels there, castles there, but I thought maybe twirling tassels in Spain.
ELVIRA: That 's really reaching for it, even for you!
RAY: I'm surprised you didn't become airborne from the scene at the end of the film.
ELVIRA: Really, I could have taken off like a helicopter.
4E: During your stage show, you flirt with a lot of men in the audience. Has that ever backfired on you?
ELVIRA: Yeah, only once, when it was...
4E: Well, don't tell them about the time with me, some other time.
ELVIRA: Oh, yes, that's true. No, it didn't backfire on me, luckily, because you had two attendants there to keep your arms down.
4E: Well, I was completely armless.
ELVIRA: Oh, Sure.
4E: What sort of men do you find attractive?
ELVIRA: Well, you know I'm not too picky, just as long as they have two arms, two legs... well, actually that's not a prerequisite either. Come to think of it, I guess you could describe me as "adventurous."
4E: I understand you once knew Elvis. Since being dead doesn't seem to be a handicap for him, have you seen him lately?
ELVIRA: Seen him! I just had his child and sold it to some aliens. You didn't hear about that? Well, there you go, it 's a scoop.
4E: What do you know! What did you name the child?
ELVIRA: I named it Forry, after you, of course.
4E: After me, how long after me?
ELVIRA: Yes, little Forry.
4E: Famous Monsters recently discovered an unreleased song that Elvis recorded for  monster bands called "Are You Loathsome Tonight". Would you consider doing a duet with him?
ELVIRA: I would "duet" with Elvis anytime.
4E: Who would you prefer as a boyfriend - Dracula or the Wolf Man?
ELVIRA: Well, you know, even though Dracula sucked, I'm afraid I would have to go with him because I just can't handle the razor burn that I get with the Wolf Man. Are these corny enough for ya?
4E: Well, that really raises our temperatures. If you're not listless by now, can you list your top ten horror favorites?
ELVIRA: Sure. I have so many that are my favorites. I'll just pull 10 of them out of the bag that I really like. I had a list of about 1,000. But, let's see, I would say: House on Haunted Hill, Evil Dead II, Plan 9 From Outer Space, An American Werewolf in London, Glen or Glenda?, which is not really a horror film but it was pretty darn scary, I'll tell you that; I Eat Your Skin, The Wasp Woman, Dracula's Daughter, Attack of the 50-Ft Woman, which is kind of going over into sci-fi, The Brain That Wouldn't Die.
RAY: What would you think is the #1 if you had to pick one film, I guess from that list.
ELVIRA: I don't know, I have a very sick sense of what's good, so I might have to say Plan 9 From Outer Space.
RAY: What's the most fun film that you've ever hosted, that you've had the most fun with doing your commentary?
ELVIRA: I tell you, The Brain That Wouldn't Die was pretty much up there. I had a lot of fun with the head. We had a head there in the studio, and it's a long story, but her name was Hedda, the woman from The Brain That Wouldn't Die.
RAY: She was a hedda her time, huh?
ELVIRA: Oh my God, they're all punsters around here!
4E: You shouldn't talk about Elvira's commentaries, there's nothing common about them, they 're right up there.
ELVIRA: Hey, that's a good idea - why do they call them common-taries?
4E: They're remaking Frankenstein. Who would be your choice if they remake the Bride of Frankenstein?
ELVIRA: Well, my first choice, of course, is me, but if they couldn't get me, because I would be too expensive, I would probably say Zsa Zsa Gabor, because after all she has married everyone else, why not Frankenstein.
4E: Who do you think are the sexiest female movie monsters, and why?
ELVIRA: Well, I think the sexiest one is the Alien Queen, from Alien, because, I mean, she spits acid, she can extend her jaw out a couple of feet, and she doesn't take any crap from men. What could be sexier? So, I think she's my #1.
4E: Well, what part in the remake of any horror film classic would you consider your dream role?
ELVIRA: Well, I think I would really love to star in The Attack of the 50-Ft Woman, because I think I could bring 2 very special things to the role...
4E: How true!
ELVIRA: My big, beautiful blue eyes, you know, so I think I would pick that one.
RAY: If you had starred in Woody Allen's Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask, that whole first sequence about the monster mammaries would have to have been restructured!
ELVIRA: Really, oh good grief! I imagine they would have had to use, like circus tents for a bra. What would I do? My bra would be called "Home of the Whoppers". It would be disgusting.
4E: You're internationally known as the "Mistress of the Dark". Do you sleep at night or during the day?
ELVIRA: I pretty much sleep whenever I can catch any, you know. I'm so busy.
4E: And, if I may inquire, what do you wear when you sleep?
ELVIRA: Only a smile.
4E: "Let a smile be your umbrella..."
Elvira: And you'll get soaking wet.
4E: Now, this interview is going to be seen early in the year. What nasty habits are you giving up for your New Years ' Resolutions?
ELVIRA: Well, I'm giving up biting my nails, I'm going to floss my teeth more, and I'm going to give up serial killing - it's a terrible, terrible habit.
4E: Oh, yes, you use up so many boxes in that cereal killing.
RAY: What do you have on the horizon for the next year?
ELVIRA: Well, I'm going to be working on a big Halloween album, a record album, which I'm really excited about. It's got some really good songwriters writing some new Halloween hits, which I think it's about time, I mean "Monster Mash" has been kind of played into the ground - I know we love it, but you know there is room for some new Halloween hits, so I 'm going to work on those this year. Hopefully, we will get it out by next Halloween. I'm also working on getting my sit-com on television, which has been taking me a while, I did for CBS, but now they've declined it, so we're running around trying to find another network.
RAY: What 's that going to be called?
ELVIRA: The Elvira Show. Is that clever, or what? Wow, I had to do some thinking to come up with that!
4E: You'd better copyright that right away.
ELVIRA:  And, I don't know if you guys have seen my new comic book, which is out now - it's out on the shelves, as they say, and so we're working on that, going along with that.
RAY: Are you still active with the animal rights movement?
ELVIRA: Yeah, very much. I just came back from New York City this last weekend, where I was in a big Fur Free Friday Parade, and Forry would love this - I rode for an hour and a half lying on top of a hearse through New York City...
4E: At re-hearsal.
ELVIRA: Yeah, I'm riding along wearing a bloody fur coat, and it was great - people were screaming and yelling. I really had a fun time, except it was kind of colder than a witch's nose out there. I'll think twice before I do that again. But, yes, I 'm doing lots of the animal rights stuff and rescuing dogs over here in my free time. If you know any dogs who are strays send them over. I'll spend millions of dollars on them and find a good home for them.  We're working on another movie, another Elvira movie, but it's going along slowly, and I hope to start filming this year. I wrote the movie. That's pretty much what's going on. Oh, I'm very close to making a deal for hosting horror movies again on television. We're negotiating right now with two different cable channels. And so, that looks really good. I think that may be coming out soon. And, of course, I 'm doing my new Coors commercial again for next year.
4E: I'm sure we'll all be looking forward to seeing a lot more of you in the months ahead.
ELVIRA: Honey, if they saw any more of me, the hospitals would be overrun with a coronary epidemic.
4E: Well, just like Henry, we're Fonda you!
ELVIRA: Jeez. Well, don't think this hasn't been fun but I gotta run. I've got an appointment for a root canal and I don't want to miss a minute.
4E: We'll be rootin' for ya.

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